I’ve recently been faced with a decision on what to do when a student says “I love you.” Now, let me clarify, I actually have students tell me that they love me all the time. Almost as often as students call me “mom” or say “Amen” on accident after the Pledge. But this time was different. This time came after a meeting where I learned that this student has faced some extreme hardships in her past. Suddenly her “I Love You” came with an incredible amount of pressure.
I remember learning in classes in college that it’s too confusing to tell students you love them back. We are supposed to respond with something like “Thank you!” or “Save that love for your mamma!” Apparently research shows that it’s damaging to students and gives them a sense of “false hope” when someone temporary reciprocates that love.
Hold the phone. Could you imagine if you told your spouse, sibling, parent, child that you loved them and they didn’t say it back it? Not only NOT return the love, but actively dodge it? Ouch. What’s more damaging here? We, as teachers, often spend as much time with these students as their parents do.
Why are we so temporary? Why is our love so disposable?
I started telling this student that I love her too, in fact, I’ve gotten in the habit of saying it back to all my kiddos when they tell me.
I want to take a quick minute to recognize that there is a time and place for this to occur. I teach third grade students, and very rarely do I find myself in a situation when I am ever in a room with a student alone. I do not feel like my situation is a delicate one, but some of you teachers who teach middle/high school should probably consider the appropriateness of this message.
But I digress...
Anyway. This student of mine is an absolute doll. She has experienced a great deal of trauma and is sometimes triggered by things that set her off, rightfully so! This girl, this little 8 year old baby, is so fragile yet so strong. She has so much courage and devotion to her experience at school to be a good student, make friends, please the teacher, and at the same time she is carrying the weight of huge burden. I admire this girl for SO many reasons and often wish I could be as strong as she is. How could a teacher or adult ever be mad or frustrated if she gets triggered and starts throwing desks around and screaming? I haven’t had to deal with half of what she has and I’m tempted to do that every day! But I’ll save that for another post....
My job is to help my students learn. Yes, I help them learn the ever changing state standards, but more importantly, I help them learn how to be a human. I’ve learned that if my kiddos are having these melt downs and turning into “behavior kids” then it’s for a REASON. I teach at a low income school where many of our students are experiencing hardships on a day to day basis. Our kids are exposed to drugs, abuse, neglect, etc. Most of them are lacking the love at home that they need and deserve. Some of them have the love, but often need more because of their experiences that might make them distrusting of others. Because of this, my job is to provide them with my love.
I’ll go on the record saying that I’m happy to duel anyone who tells me a teacher needs to focus on standards above relationships. When I am the constant for students, and the one that they see daily for all their needs, you better believe I am going to reciprocate the love that they need so badly. Because truly, I’m not lying when I tell my kids I love them too. In fact, I don’t think they quite know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. They don’t know that I think about them and pray for them every day. They don’t know that I often reflect that I often reflect on what I can do to help them more than I already am. Heck, they don’t know that I sit around and blog about them!!!
I love my kids dearly, thus me calling them MY kids. At the end of the day, I am HERE FOR THE KIDS. And if telling them I love them is the most damaging thing that teachers do, then we got some real problems ahead of us.
I’m curious to know if others teachers have had the same thought about this. Please reach out, I’d love to hear more thoughts and/stories on the topic!
Teacher tee by The Wright Stuff Chics 💖
I teach 5th grade at a charter school for at risk kids. At the end of each day, as we line up to leave, I look each of them in the eye and tell them, individually or as a class, that I love them. Last week, one of them waited until we were walking out and told me, “I remembered that.”
ReplyDeleteI was confused. “What?”
“Last night, when my dad was yelling at me, I remembered that you love me.”
YES, we tell them! We show them, we pray over them, and we tell them we love them!